小番薯のホーム: I Feel Suicidal ...

Last night...
I off my light of my room at 1am...
preparing to sleep...
damn...
rolling on the bed...
cannot get into dream world...
i think of many stuff in that time...
my life... my family... my relationships... my jobs... my college...
i realized i had changed recently...
good news ? perhaps... no...
for the last three weeks...
i never hang out... alone all the time...
live in my own world... and my best friends was my lappy...
no more shopping... no more interested in any new stuff...
perhaps i am not changing... just switching back to the life i used to be in early year 2009...
the life where no socialise... working all the time...
no entertainment... no shopping...
i used to work from 9 am to 10.30 pm last time....
and works for 7 days in a week...
hell... until now i still did not managed to understand why the hell i so hardworking last time...
now... ?
studies, tests, assignments all the time...
or some minor gaming... forum...
prefer to stay at home all the time...
even now i feel lazy to go IOI...

recently something bad just happened between me and my company...
they no longer want to give me double-paid on public holiday...
the reason is my salary is very high compare to others...
you freaking asstard...
did i ask for it ? this is the price you offered...
and i just accepted it...
now said it is very high...
well... i did not have the right to question or voice out as i just a part-time staff...
never sign any contract... asshole...
i asked my friends whether i can sue to or bring this to court...
hell... no court will accept it...
well... i will make your all paid for it...

Seriously... now i feel like i do not want to work anymore...
but the expenses every month tie me up with the job...
installment, facial, car park fee, petrol, entertainment, food, ....
the hell...
Whenever i go to work..
i feel everything there is not right...
the staff... the shop... the display...
perhaps i am finding reason to convince myself...
in others words...
i hate to work there now...
i miss the time where dorothy, juner, chong jie working together...
i miss my manager last time, Joey....
we are not just an employee with employer...
we become best friends there...
the feeling is just nice... and i cannot find it now with current manager or the accountant...
the two freaking bitch...
watch out... see how i persuade all your staff to leave and both of you operate the shop yourself...
now all the staff is like ready to leave...
i will make you two fall in deep shitz...

normally, i wont said much about my family...
and i can guaranteed none of my friends knew anything about my family...
my relationships with them is like normal... bored...
my sister...
we are like friends...
whenever she need help or my permission... she will ask me...
and same goes to me...
no mutual topic or interest...
i never chat with with her...
seriously...
we are like help-center for each others... LoL...
my brother...
maybe now he is growing up...
i can feel we are closer than before...
maybe we sleep in same room...
always have some chatting...
hmm... nothing much can comments...
my dad...
hmm...
almost same with my sister...
my mom...
closest to me in my family...
something she tell me her problem...
office problem... relative problem...
but of course i never tell her anything about me...
and my mom do not even know what is my favorite food...
and i am not surprise about it...
because the same thing come to me...
i do not know the food they like too...
my relative...
same thing...
i am a quiet person from they point of view...
we do not have much to talk...
even with all my cousin...
although i have 2 cousin who is same age...
but i feel like...
just nothing much can say...

In my family...
shopping together in supermarket is very unlikely to happened...
if not mistaken... this few years...
we never travel together...
mostly dad and mom only...
all the time...
most of the problem i have to solve myself...
anything happened...
i will solve it myself...
then friends...
lastly only come to family...
because i knew...
the things they give is all the flaming... scolding...
it is very rare to hear one motivation words from them...
want a cellphone ? i have to earn myself...
drive ? maintenance fee and petrol i have to settle myself...
even the license i earn with my own money... except for the car...
this is the life i went through for the passed 19 years...
i grew up in such a way...
and most of the time...
i envy... others...
they go out with their family...
his dad solve everything for him...
and my priority for my family is just slightly higher than my friends...
due to...
the responsibility and the word "FAMILY"...

my friends...?
i remembered someone told me before...
i have lots of friends...
really... ?
but i do not think so...
then, another told me...
when you know their name...
that consider your friends...
what the hell... ?
mostly even i wave hand to another "friends" when on a street...
i do not even remember their names...
the thing i know is just like... i saw him before... we chatted last time...
i do not really remembered them...
By the way...
those really can come out for some drink also quite limited...
all busy studying or working or dating...
if i really want to count...
i do not think it is more than ten...
if i narrow down somemore...
friends with mutual topic...
i can sense it is less than 5...

But... i really glad i have a best friend...
we have mutual topic all the time...
cars, living, travel, foods, etc...
we can chat non-stop for day to night...
we shopping together... chill together...
but sadly...
now she has a boyfriends...
and we just cannot interaction like last time...
limited communication...
anyways... good luck for her relationships...

Last night...
i rolled on my bed until 1.30pm...
my tears dropped automatically...
and i cried for almost 30 minutes...
this was the second time i cried this month...
i was thinking all this stuff...
disturbing my mind...
maybe is some small thing but for me...
it meant a lots...
the ways i grew up...
how i become more social-able... happier person...
more interaction with others... more open-minded...
how my life changed...
its seem came to an end...
anyway...
i found new interest lately...
i enjoy driving... i love to drive...
drive but not race...
i enjoy every moment i spent on my car...
even now i hope there is more jam on the road everyday...
i like how the car works...
i loves car...
I even like to captured photo for supercar, sportcar & exotic, car with nice number plates...
unique and special body kit...
i really hope i owned a SLR...

June 2010 [Captured with Nokia XM 5800]

Nissan MURANO...
Love the twin exhaust pipe...

Spotted in Sri Petaling...
Mercendes S350

Porche Cayenne...
On the way to Puteri...

Nice number plate... ACG 38

Cant remember what name for this sport car...

One of the Wira that i feel nice and simple...
Nice 17" rims and tinted roof top...

Volkswagen Beetle...
WRF 4321...
I chased this car from Puteri back to IOI...
Blur picture due to jam that time...
Need to look out when he brake... and i follow him quite near...